Thanksgiving

So I lived to tell...It's been a miracle to say the least. All the fears that I had with the "what ifs" from the procedure. I was really not so worried abt the procedure as I was on what would have had happened if it went wrong, like I get a stroke or something. Well maybe only when they started to jab me before drilling the tube, that I became afraid of the pain.

It wasnt that painful, just the feeling of helplessness as I laid on the operating table...I was awake throughout as I was only on local anasthetic. And like I told dar after that, felt very "violated" to have so many people looking and cleaning me up...

But I was really touched by all the concerns, prayer and well-wishes; from all of dar's friends, my colleagues and friends and esp my family. It's like you feel you are not alone through the trials...but hearing about my dad's loss of appetite, seeing my brother almost tearing and my mother-in-law losing sleep and making me the snakehead soup despite her knee pain, made me reflect on what a lousy family member I have been. And talking to dar after the episode made me realise how much she has to keep her fears to herself.. really I am just thankful to God for his mercy..

how do you explain when a resting ECG, a stress-test ECG, a heart perfusion test that all showed something was not very right, which had led to this angiogram in the first place, suddenly my arteries were not blocked, and my heart function was normal, according to the "gold standard" angiogram. By the way, the angiogram was supposedly the gold standard, because it involved putting the dye through the main artery leading to the heart and using a 3D scan with ECG all the way, so that they could see the heart in motion...I asked the doc and he could not explain why. Even my doctor friend in the navy said sometimes things are like that...

So I can only say thanks to God for answering my prayers. Of course, no more taking things for granted, and it will be a health-watch and exercise from now on..for me and dar. Of course..starting tomrw...just 1 last "sinful" meal with dar...

20 hours to angiogram

I decided that I needed to write...

Was reading the last lecture that dar was reading. I guess, somewhere inside I also needed to leave a legacy for the kids. Strangely enough, just a couple of days ago, Nigel was asking me about this procedure. He asked me if I was scared or not, and I told him a little. He then asked me why not very scared...

I guess it probably has not hit me yet, or that I chose not to look at extreme side, since there is a 1% risk of the procedure giving me a stroke or heart attack. I look at my kids and dar, and I know that if something does happen, I am just going to be very regretful that their lives will be affected...Nigel was just saying before he slept that Michael Jackson's daughter was quite "poor" -think he meant pitiful, as she does not have a daddy anymore.

In a sense, I am glad that the kids are not really affected...poor dar was, when she first heard about the procedure. But I guess she has also been very consumed with what happened at work to worry, which is a blessing in disguise. But to a sense, I guess she also tried...we spent time alone, the family last weekend. We went to the park to kick a ball, even though I know dar didnt really like it. Although she was worried, we actually shared a plate of fried chicken wings this evening, like she told the kids...let daddy eat his sinful stuff...

This is going to be a long post...my longest I suppose...that is so much that I want to say, to record. I look at Claire, she is doing ok, although showing signs of issue at school. Dar was quite affected that claire was transferred out of the good chinese class. But like I always tells her, sometimes, maybe it is because we have too many kids to be able to give dedicated time...But I really hope Claire will realise..she is still young though...

Nigel- he always surprise us with his thoughts. Recently, dar instituted a stars game to exchange for number of arcade games. Nigel was all so geared up. Looking at the way he pushed himself to do Pri 1 chinese, even though he hated chinese. I really see a lot of talent in him, and drive like dar. He really has a lot of potential to develop.

Chloe - She has really improved so much. She retorts really well. Although she still has issues with coordiantion (she still cant quite play computer games for example), but she has really improve a lot. And of course, she is the prettiest one at home, and a very charming smile to boot. I really hope that she continues to grow well.

And of course little Noah. He is really an interactive toy. This morning, he sang the Thomas song all by himself. really threw us off..he is only 2 years 3 months, and a full song. He is really the fastest of them all. And he has a great temper to boot..all thanks to dar's pampering! but he has really brought us a lot of joy, and like dar says...a mini-me, with his eyes..At least a mirrir image..:)

And of course dar. I know the stress that she is going through. Like she says, this year has really been very eventful....pregnant, miscarried, seminar, work issues, my promotion and now needing to hear about my heart issue. I know she is tired, and questioning. Fortunately, she has friends who care. Although I must say, that it is only since the beginning of this year, that we have communicated, much more than we ever did. We really spoke a lot, shared a lot and provided encouragement to each other. And I still havent brought her to Dan Ryans after all these years...something that I would want to do. Just the other day, she asked me if I had any last words.....I did. I told her I will be back. And I will, in God I trust.